I’m back!


I know it’s been ages since I last posted anything here. I’ve been very busy with real life, and I feel like that’s the understatement of the year. I moved to Chicago for work at the beginning of the year, and a few months ago I moved back to Spain to finish some studies that I still had to put an end to. I’ve met a lot of new people, some of them have impacted me in ways I didn’t expect and can’t even possibly explain, as I’m still trying to understand myself. I’ve seen beautiful places and landscapes, I’ve spoken different languages with people from all over the world and, sadly, I’ve also taken a break from painting. I never meant for it to happen, but I guess sometimes we get caught on routines and feelings that don’t let us fully evolve. I was stuck for a long time, and then I was just extremely busy. Either way, my need to create never fully stopped as I did some sketches here and there when I was traveling, but nothing too special or worth sharing.

But now I’m back. What moved me to paint again? I have no idea. A pile of things, I guess. New feelings, new living arrangements… but still the same coping mechanism: art. It’s comforting to know that there’s a blank canvas there waiting for you to bring it to life, depending solely on you to be something.

So, to familiarize myself again with watercolors I started by playing around with this little woman figure study.

Girl Study

 After I got a little braver -and messed up some other paintings- I decided to go hard or go home, so I brought out the biggest watercolor paper that I had and started painting on it. I began feeling utterly insecure (shocker) and at first the monsters in my head were impelling me to quit, to stop trying because there was no helping it; I was miserably failing. I talked about talent in the last post and how I have to fight my insecurities into submission while creating something. I think I forgot about this part of the process because I wasn’t ready for it, I wasn’t ready to put up a fight. But I guess my stubbornness won the battle anyway, because I did push through and, eventhough it’s not finished yet, it’s definitely moving forward. (Sorry about the quality of the pictures, they were taken with my phone. I’ll try to steal my brother’s camera next time)

I still have a lot to work on, but I’m happy about having my inspiration – and the time to take advantage of it- back.

I hope it lasts!

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Consider this: the story behind it.

Consider this

 

 

And dreamin’ doesn’t do no good ‘cause I don’t wanna lie that I’m okay and I’m alright, I’d rather take it and forget it

Consider this a warning


‘Cause I’ll start another fight and you’ll say “It’s all alright” I’ll wait for the day when you find I was too much for you, baby

PS. I hate (and I mean HATE) youtube videos with lyrics, especially like this one where they tell you to get up and dance… But I couldn’t find a better video for this song, so this will have to do.

 

 

Lonely Hands: the story behind it.

Lonely Hands

English:

Most people – meaning the people I’ve shown my work to; it’s not like I’m famous or anything-  refer to this painting as “the sleeping girl“. They’ve told me that she seems so peaceful, enraptured in a serene dream, and that  the whole piece has a sensual but relaxed  touch.

Well, blatantly, of course it does because she is masturbating. Maybe the “Lonely Hands” title didn’t give it away like I thought it would. Maybe people aren’t comfortable telling me that she looks like she is being a bit naughty. I don’t know. Maybe it isn’t politically correct to say that I painted a masturbating image and that it is the one that people usually like the most.

I like that she seems to be innocently sleeping. I like that she has a serious focused expression. And most importantly, I like that she doesn’t seem to be enjoying herself, like it was a procedure she has to follow in order to keep going, to help her go through her tragedy. Masturbation isn’t necessarily a pleasurable act when done for the wrong reasons and in the wrong time. It could be used to fill a void, to reminisce or even elude something.

Pleasure has its dangers. When we’re weak and lonely, when we have no faith and no motivation to go on with whatever we once believed in. When we’ve been betrayed, lied to, played with and when we’ve had what seems like the entire world treading on us, we turn to whatever makes us feel better. We turn to whatever – or whoever- can release us from our misfortune, even if it is for a couple of seconds. Like addicts, we numb ourselves.

Mastubation (sex) is just another way of getting those few seconds of heaven.

Hyper Music: the story behind it.


Hyper Music

English:

Music is a huge element of every single painting or piece that I work on. I always paint with music in the background as it makes the “artistic bubble” more palpable to me. It makes me tune out. My worries, obligations, frustrations, depressions and anxieties are left outside my room (my little temple), and time doesn’t go by the same way that it would for the rest of the world. It’s my personal created heaven and I’m in love with it.

I have a specific band or kind of music for every situation in my life or every feeling that might take over my will. So when I’m depressed, sad or in need of peace, I’ll listen to Angus and Julia Stone, Anna Nalick, The XX or Russian Red. When I’m in a introspective phase, I’ll listen to KT Tunstall or Alanis Morissettte. When I’m in a very good mood, I’ll listen to The Kooks, Muse or The Strokes. I survive breakups thanks to Tegan and Sara and Blue Foundation, and I make my way through exam periods thanks to the Sons of Anarchy soundtrack.

When I painted Hyper Music (which is the title of a song by Muse), I wasn’t really listening to Muse. I was listening to Metallica. Metallica is and will always be my favorite band. My really, really rough times are lived with Metallica in the background; it helps my healing process, channels my anger, and gives me back my sometimes lost sanity. Metallica would be my definition of catharsis. I can always find a song that fits perfectly with the way I’m feeling in that moment, or that describes myself better than I sometimes would. Anger and rage are good emotions to be experiencing when getting to know their music, and it’s obvious that, while painting Hyper Music, I was in that place.

Anger. Rage. Frustration. Sadness. Betrayal. Those feelings are dealt in most of Metallica’s songs, and those were the feelings that I wanted to capture in this girl’s face.

Here’s a Metallica song that I was listening to like a mad woman when painting my first pieces, including this one.

Spanish:

La música juega un papel protagonista en la mayor parte de los cuadros que hago. Siempre que pinto necesito ponerme los cascos de música y así hacer la “burbuja artística” más real. Hace que todas mis preocupaciones, mis problemas, obligaciones y frustraciones se queden fuera de mi habitación (mi templo) y hace que el tiempo no pase igual de rápido entre mis cuatro paredes. Es mi paraíso personal y me encanta.

Tengo un determinado grupo o estilo de música para cada situación de mi vida o sentimiento. Así, cuando estoy deprimida, triste o cuando necesito un poco de paz escucho a Angus and Julia Stone, The XX, Russian Red o Anna Nalick. Cuando estoy en una fase más introspectiva, escucho a KT Tunstall o Alanis Morissette. Cuando estoy de buen humor escucho a The Kooks, Muse o The Strokes. Sobrevivo a las rupturas gracias Tegan and Sara y a Blue Foundation, y salgo de cada periodo de exámenes con la banda sonora de Sons of Anarchy grabada a fuego en  mi cabeza.

Mientras pintaba Hyper Music (que es el título de una canción de Muse) realmente no estaba escuchando a Muse. Estaba escuchando a Metallica. Metallica es y siempre será mi grupo favorito, EL grupo por excelencia. Mis verdaderas malas etapas las vivo con Metallica por banda sonora. En cierto sentido puedo decir que me ayuda a sanarme, a canalizar mi ira, me devuelve la cordura que en ocasiones pierdo. Podríamos decir que Metallica es mi definición personal de catarsis; siempre puedo encontrar una canción que retrate el modo en el que me siento o que me describa a mí misma mejor de lo que yo a veces podría. Ira y odio son emociones perfectas para iniciarse en la música de Metallica y es obvio que, durante el proceso creativo de Hyper Music, esos eran  los sentimientos que predominaban.

Ira. Odio. Frustración. Tristeza. Traición. Esas son situaciones y emociones que Metallica trata en profundidad en la mayor parte de sus canciones, y esos eran precisamente los sentimientos que quería captar en la cara de la chica del cuadro.

Más arriba tenéis una de las canciones de Metallica que escuchaba de manera obsesiva cuando empecé a hacer mis primeros cuadros, entre ellos el de Hyper Music. ¡Disfrutad!

Sweet Introduction to Chaos: the story behind it.

Sweet Introduction to Chaos

Sweet Introduction to Chaos

English:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside of you and mess you up. You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suit of armour so nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life… You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside of you.”

Neil Gaiman

———————-

Spanish:

¿Has estado alguna vez enamorado? ¿Horrible verdad? Te hace tan vulnerable. Abre tu pecho y abre tu corazón y significa que alguien puede entrar en ti y revolverte por dentro. Tú construyes todas esas defensas, construyes una armadura completa, de forma que nada pueda herirte, pero luego una persona estúpida, similar a cualquier otra estúpida persona se aventura en tu vida estúpida…y les das una parte de ti. No la pidieron. Solo hicieron alguna tontería un día, como besarte o sonreírte y desde ese momento tu vida ya no es tuya. El amor toma rehenes. Se mete dentro de ti. Te come por completo y te deja llorando en la oscuridad, de forma que una simple frase como “quizá solo deberíamos ser amigos” se convierte en una astilla de cristal directa hacia tu corazón. Duele. No solo en la imaginación. No solo en la mente. Duele el alma, un verdadero dolor que-se-mete-dentro-de-ti-y-te-descuartiza. Odio el amor.”

Neil Gaiman

                                            

She Wanted to Reach the Violent Kingdom: the story behind it.

She wanted to reach the Violent Kingdom

She wanted to reach the Violent Kingdom

Have you ever felt like you could do with some venting, some release… some violence? Have you ever felt trapped in your own morals and ethics? Like right or wrong are no longer distinguible, like it’s a difference no longer worth making? Have you ever thought about behaving in the same way that those who you repudiate behave? Have you ever sought revenge? Would you be willing to obtain it if it entailed no consequence whatsoever? Do you actually believe you have a free will?

Then, what’s really stopping your conscience?

——————————-

¿Alguna vez has sentido que necesitabas libertarte, desahogarte, gritar hasta que no hubiese más aire en tus pulmones? ¿Alguna vez has rozado la alarmante línea de requerir la violencia? ¿En ocasiones te sientes atrapado en tu propia moral, ética o ideales, y conceptos como el “bien” y el “mal” empiezan a diluirse en el apetito por conseguir venganza? ¿Estarías dispuesto a obtenerla si ello no conllevase ningún tipo de consecuencia? ¿De verdad crees que eres un ser libre?

Entonces, ¿qué es lo que realmente retiene a tu conciencia?

The Devil’s Tears: the story behind it.

The Devil's Tears

The Devil’s Tears

Surprisingly, at least to me, The Devil’s Tears piece is not usually on the top list of people’s favourites. And I say surprinsingly because I fell in love with it the minute I finished painting it.  But what can I say? I’m its mother so I guess I’m not really objective about it.

Everytime I take a look at this work I remember exactly how I felt while painting, the emotions that triggered the aura of helplessness that you can sense in it. It has the ability to immediately make me feel uneasy. The distress, anxiety, frustration and misery condensed in The Devil’s Tears piece came from a turmoil of misunderstood feelings and situations that were way out of my control and comprehension. Feelings that I wasn’t ready to experience, but still was willing to handle if that meant not giving up entirely on someone.

As usual, the name for this work is inspired by an Angus and Julia Stone’s song that you can listen to at the end of this post! The lyrics of the song might also help you understand a bit better its origin.

——————–

Sorprendentemente, al menos para mí, The Devil’s Tears no es uno de los cuadros favoritos de la gente. Y digo sorprendentemente porque para mí tiene un significado especial, y porque desde el momento en el que terminé de poner las lágrimas en color rojo en el papel me enamoré por completo del resultado. No es un trabajo necesariamente estético o fácil de mirar.  Pero cada vez que lo tengo entre mis manos recuerdo perfectamente cómo me sentía en el proceso de creación, así como las emociones que desencadenaron el aura de impotencia o indefensión que se puede observar en la obra. Y  el mero recuerdo de todo aquello es suficiente para que me haga sentir de nuevo incómoda (que, por otra parte, es quizá también lo que buscaba).

La angustia, ansiedad, frustración y tristeza que se encuentra condensada en The Devil’s Tears procedían de un compendio de sentimientos y situaciones incomprendidas que se encontraban totalmente fuera de mi control y discernimiento. Sentimientos que no estaba preparada en absoluto a experimentar, pero que aún así estaba dispuesta a sufrir si ello significaba no renunciar por completo a alguien.

The Devil’s Tears se inspira también en la canción, con el mismo nombre, de Angus and Julia Stone. La letra de la canción asimismo expresa en cierto sentido la procedencia de la obra.

Aquí la podéis escuchar.

Choking: the story behind it.

Choking

Choking on these words
You can leave now
Oh haven’t you heard
You can leave now

We stand there like statues from different cities
Both warriors of the same war
Both victors of our territories
Why do I feel so small?
Oh you’ve got it all figured out
What will be will be

Fine work from a sailor’s hand
Who’s always running away
In between all your complex ideas
Found out how love should be
When you get the time to feel anything
Anything real for me
Oh you’ve got it all figured out
What will be will be

Fine words from a sailor’s son
Who’s always running away
I don’t want your sympathy
Don’t quote me another phrase
I understand all your philosophies
But it hurts me just the same

Choking on these words
You can leave now
Oh haven’t you heard
You can leave now

Babylon: the story behind it.

Babylon

Babylon

I’d like to think that I’m not one of those artists  that need to be trascendental or metaphysical in order to engage their audience to admire their paintings. Actually, I don’t even like calling myself an “artist” since I only paint. I wouldn’t dare be that pretentious. But obviously, what I paint doesn’t come out of nowhere; it has a story behind it and a feeling that I wanted to share, exploit or investigate.

In Babylon, I wanted to experience the love that I was lacking, the care that I was craving and the memories that I was missing. Love in its possesive and initial state. Love put in that high pedestal that we build thinking it won’t be taken away from us. That naive love that believes in forevers and immutability. The inmature love, the one that doesn’t need fighting for, the one we all dream of easily and effortlessly preserving. The surreal kind of love.

The name of the painting came from one of my favourite bands that I’m currently obsessed with: Angus and Julia Stone. At the end of this post you can listen to it! Enjoy!

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Me gustaría pensar que no soy una de esos artistas que tienen la necesidad de ser trascendentales y metafísicos cuando explican la inspiración de sus cuadros o de sus obras de arte. De hecho, no me gusta llamarme a mí misma “artista”, me parece demasiado pretencioso para alguien a quien simplemente le gusta pintar en sus ratos libres. No me llamo a mí misma tampoco escritora, y aquí estoy escribiendo. Pero obviamente existe una historia detrás de cada cuadro, un sentimiento que quería plasmar en el lienzo, compartir, investigar y explotar.

En Babylon, quería poner de relieve el amor que sentía haber perdido y que ansiaba. Ese  amor en su estado inicial, un amor posesivo e idílico. El amor que muchas veces ponemos en un pedestal esperando que nunca nadie nos arrebate. El amor inocente e ingenuo que cree en “parasiempres” y en la inmutabilidad de los sentimientos. El amor inmaduro, ése por el que no se necesita luchar, el que todos soñamos llegar a conservar sin esfuerzo alguno, fácilmente. En definitiva, un amor utópico e irreal, pasajero.

El nombre del cuadro viene de la canción (con el mismo nombre) de uno de los grupos de música que me tiene obsesionada últimamente: Angus and Julia Stone. 

Aquí tenéis la canción.