… you end up laughing at bad lawyer jokes that you find on the internet while on your study break, BECAUSE THEY’RE PAINFULLY TRUE.
Taking a look at old pictures that I have in my phone, I stumbled upon these drafts. They’re around 2 years old, and all of them were poorly made with an IKEA pencil out of boredom and the need to obtain something that I didn’t even know I was craving back then. The funny thing about these is that I clearly remember that the inspiration that sat me down to draw them came from what only could have been defined as exasperation. After all, what usually moves me to create something is the constant disappointment that life inevitably brings with it and my need to find the beauty I can’t obtain somewhere else.
That sounded more serious than I intended… What I was trying to say is that painting and drawing at that time (and now too, I guess) was the response to whatever difficulty may have crossed my way; it was something that calmed me down and put things into perspective. What I didn’t know back then is that I actually needed that reassurance or the reason behind that need, and that I was trying with all my soul to unconsciously run away from that unknown reason.
Mmm that sounded too serious aswell… I guess I have that emo aura around me now that I’ve been in my room for 3 days straight studying. A run might be in order this evening! Or maybe a few drinks out? Or both. God I need the sunlight!
Anyway, I just wanted to share these drafts for the heck of it!
(yes, that was a reference to GoT)
I vowed to myself that I wasn’t going to let college make me a hostage of my own life. It had been that way for the past few years, and I can’t be that study machine that I used to be if that means that I have to lose my sanity in the process. So, I’m taking this studying phase incredibly calmed down, unbelivably rational. I’m not freaking out; I read, I study, I go out, I study some more,I indulge in some guilty pleasures that I’m far too embarassed to specify and I get out of the house craving some social interaction. Yeah, it sounds basic, but I didn’t use to do that when I was facing a huge load of exams coming my way. I wouldn’t get out of the house in a week, I would live on coffee and diet coke and at most I would allow myself to talk to one person in my life. I turned myself into a prisoner because I thought that way nothing would break my concentration, nothing would be able to erase whatever I had been memorising for the past few hours. I felt guilty otherwise. I felt guilty because I thought that way I was actually doing what was expected of me, and there was no chance that anyone would say that I hadn’t tried because I had turned down everything else in order to be that study machine that everyone used to be so in love with.
Guilt used to fuel most of my actions.
Not all are flowers, rainbows and unicorns though. Of course I’m worried and a little stressed out. I have to admit that I am a controlling sadistic bitch when I’m memorising. I might turn into a psychopath aswell if anyone wrongly thinks that he/she is allowed to touch my beloved notes. Right now, my notes and me are the closest thing I have that looks remotedly like a relationship and I get incredibly possessive of them. My precious.
But I’ve also found out that some people believe I’m incredibly funny when I’m put on the spot and that my way of dealing with pressure is adorable. Surely, those people suffer from some kind of undiagnosed brain damage, but I’m not going to be the one bursting their bubble. Their company is anchoring me to sanity and keeping me far far away from college madness. They protect me from the competitive aura, but don’t let me get distracted. At all. They are incredible that way. I might be – I have no doubt I am – an amazing pain in the ass from time to time. However, they cut my bullshit pretty quickly. Too damned quickly for my own liking…
What can I say? Masochism is an important quality that I look for in my closest friends.
I’m sure I’ll get bullied for this post later… (Hey guys!) But, I couldn’t help myself after last night to write something like this, with a title like this. Not after the shit load of jokes that came my way comparing me to certain Game of Thrones characters…
The climb is all there is….